Musings of a bipolar mind - part 1 of 3

Today I'm not a fan of type II bipolar disorder.

There are so many misconceptions and social stigmas attached to bipolar disorder. If you don't live with it, how could you understand it? It's hard to understand even when you do live with it. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness characterizes by highs (mania) and lows (depression). Those with type I bipolar disorder generally experience extreme manias. Some to the point of thinking they have supernatual powers and other frenzied thinking. Type II is characterized by hypo-manic episodes and major depressive episodes. That means that your manias aren't as high and your depressions are waaaaaay low.

For me along with the cycles of every day life, I generally have 2 big cycles per year - one at the beginning of the year and one toward the end of the year. And I'm just realizing now that I have an even bigger cycle every 5 or 6 years.

For my 2 big cycles during the year I mostly face depression. Things will be going along and I started having difficulty dealing with life. Just normal everyday stuff - not major things. I actually have been on medication for depression since I was 16. To answer your question, no - I don't think I'll ever be without it. I've made several (idiotic I might add) attempts to be med-free and it always ends in disaster. I've come to terms with needing chemicals to fix the broken chains in my physical chemistry. (Not to say that I won't ever make another idiotic attempt... one day when I run out of medicine and forget to refill it for an extended period of time... not that I've done THAT before or anything...) I've been on a number of anti-depressants over the years. There was that one that I got totally addicted to and was like an addict for 2 weeks trying to get off it... And the one that completely ELIMINATED my libido... And the one that worked well for a couple years until my body adapted to it...

My favorite over the years is Wellbutrin SR. (It's my current anti-depressant of choice.)

My bigger cycle every 5 or 6 years is with the mania. (In case you were wondering, I'm going through one of those cycles right now.) It started a couple of weeks ago when I got out of hand in a manager's office at work. I thought I was being totally rational (that's usually what you think when you are manic) and it wasn't until my psychiatric appoiontment last week that I realized I was out of control. As I was telling him about the goings-ons in my life I realized how much anxiety and rage was building up in me just talking to him. (The rage is what I displayed in the manager's office at work. Unfortunately, it did some damage to our relationship. Shrapnel of the disorder. I'm now working on damage control. Comes with the territory.) He is a very very good doctor. After discussing with me the possible effects on pregnancy, we decided to give Lithium a try. (Seeing as I'm not pregnant and apparently not especially fertile I told him I was not concerned about the .5% higher risk of some random defect that is correctable anyhow.) He also prescribed some Lorazepram for the anxiety - but it has mostly made me sleepy and not so much helped with the anxiety.

It's terrible knowing that you have a great life and not being able to control your mind. That's the thing that most people don't understand about mental illness - you can't control it. It's not just mind over matter and everything is better. I've been in situations where my part of my brain is screaming at me - what are you doing? what are you saying? But the acting part of my brain keeps on doing and saying. (This is much more pronounced during the manias than it is during the depressions. During the depressions there's not much doing or saying at all.)

I think that the best thing about my situation is that medication keeps me balanced and in control and stable and steady and all those good things for most of the year most of my life. Most people probably wouldn't know that I have a mental illness. Especially one like bipolar disorder. I am so grateful that it's something that can be kept under control. I'm pretty sure my grandmother is bipolar and she's lived a whole life with anxiety and a frenzied mind. People have just always thought she was "high-strung" and "naggy" and a plethora of less nice things. And she is really struggling right now. It would be so neat if she could have the chance to find medicine to stabilize her so that she and my grandfather could enjoy each other during their last years on earth. I think that's what got my thinking about it and sparked me to write about it. I don't usually share so openly (meaning with the entire internets and anyone who happens to blogstalk or bloghop on to it). But I would love to make a difference helping people understand mental illness and what it's like. It should not be the social pariah making thing that it once was. We don't just send people to the looney bin. They can be helped. There are possibilities of being under control with the right types of medications and therapies!

(Hopefully this explains why I'm not a fan of type II bipolar disorder today. )