Cool pic

I thought you might think this is as cool as I do. Sorry it took so long to post it. I drew 2 little arrows on it. The arrow on the right is pointing to the ping pong ball sized growth. The arrow on top is pointing to the place in my brain that has been smashed together from the fluid. Cool, eh?

Looks like we are taking it out

YAY!! We went to the dr today and I'm pretty sure we are going to remove this thing next week. We are getting more CT scans tomorrow then Monday we go to the see another neurosurgeon who is going to help our neurosurgeon figure out the best way to get rid of it. Then Tuesday we meet with our neurosurgeon again then (I hope) that means we will do it on Wednesday.

The reason our dr wants to get another dr's opinion is because this growth that actually appears to be ping pong ball size as opposed to golf ball size is located in the speech center. He's trying to decide if he should do something where he has me talk during surgery or do something with stimulators or something else to make sure that my talking still works after the surgery.

I am really grateful that he wants to make sure that he does the best thing for my brain. When we talked today I let him know that I am 100% certain that I will be 100% healed that I have 100% faith that he will be able to do it without any problems. In fact, I think he will be guided and this will be one of the easiest surgeries he has ever done.

The next few days are going to be hard to be patient. I already feel really alone. I know I shouldn't but I do. I feel like everybody already forgot about me. (Which is dumb because people have asked to come see me and I've told them no.) I feel like another month of this going to be really hard. I'm going to have to start all over again with having friends. My whole life feels like it has changed. But I'm just feeling sorry for myself for a few minutes. I'll be good to go again in no time. In fact, I'm already trying to decide what fun thing I'm going to do for Valentines.

I'm just so grateful we are going get this thing out of my head. Maybe I can keep it. Okay the dr said that there are a lot of people who will want to study it. Maybe I'll just get a photo. That would be at least something, right?

It's really hard blogging when you don't know what's going on

It has been a tough week. Heavenly Father is blessing me with some interesting challenges this week.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow we decide what to do with my head. I've got a golf ball sized non cancerous growth in my head. (Sorry mom and grandpa it didn't disappear. I got a look today as we got a CT scan done. Not that I didn't think it was possible for it to disappear - it just didn't.)

I'm pretty dang sure that we are supposed to have it removed. No it does not appeal to me to spend another month healing. Not at all. But I think it's the right thing.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will be 100% healed. No doubt at all. Now we just have to see how the dr sees that happening.

Hopefully I can let you know tomorrow. Thank you for still praying for me. It means the world to me. Thank you for praying for my doctor! That also means the world to me.

Part of what you've been waiting for

It's not cancer. They can't even call it a tumor.

They don't know what it is actually. It's a golf ball sized growth in my brain. No way of knowing how long it's been there or why.

Until yesterday, we believed that they would just take it out and be over it. But our primary neurosurgeon sent us to another neurosurgeon yesterday who suggests that we not do anything. He says to just monitor it. Every couple months. He says the location is dangerous to try to take out.

I feel very out of sorts about this. We have felt very at peace about having it removed. Now I don't feel at peace at all. We haven't been able to talk to our primary neurosurgeon since the other dude. I'm not sure how things will change when we talk to him. I know that I have at least one more week of official recovery so it will be interesting to see what happens this next week.

But I guess the main thing for everyone to know is that it's not cancer. At this point there will be no head shaving. Who knew?

I'm incredibly grateful for Heavenly Father's blessings and for all that he has done for us. Please continue to pray for me while we determine what to do.

Alrighty then, tomorrow!

I talked to the dr today. He said we should be all decided tomorrow. He has one more colleague to make contact with then we can move forward.

Still sounds like surgery next week. I am so good and ready to go. I just have to remind myself to keep healing until then.

I'm just hoping to stay in the hospital at least 3 days this time. I didn't know what to expect last time and I'm hoping to put what I've learned into place.

Please keep praying for me and for the dr. That he'll have the faith to make the right choices and be strong. Thanks still for your love and support.

Still no news

Still no news, still no news, still no news

I'm worn out today. All I did was hang out on the couch. And watch tv. And yet I'm worn out.

Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow. I'll let you know if we do.

No news yet

We went to the dr today and they still don't know what the deal is.

He says he thinks we'll probably hear tomorrow and that he'll call me as soon as he hears anything.

From what we discussed today I think it's fairly likely that we'll have another surgery at the beginning of next week. But we can't make the actual plans until we know exactly what's going on.

Sigh.

I still feel very at peace about it. It's all going to work out, now I just have to be patient and allow my body to heal a little more.

I'll let you when I know something more. Thanks for your continued prayers and love and support. It really does mean the world to me.

What will the future bring?

Well tomorrow we are supposed to go to the doctor at 11:40 and find out what my future treatment holds. I'm not really sure what to expect. I'm kinda hoping for getting put in the hospital and taking out the growth before the week is out. The sooner we get this started the sooner we get this ended.

I learned that I thought I had to be all good and heal too quickly the first time around. This time I hope to take my time and stay in the hospital a few more days. And just let them take care of me and let me be good to go.

I'm not going to lie - the sooner the better. I can't tell you just how much this makes me appreciate good health. It will forever more make me aware of how crummy bad health is. I'm so grateful for the health that I've had during my life.

I'll be sure to let you know what happens tomorrow.

This will be a short one

Although there is so much I would like to share. Unfortunately my typing and whatnot is still a little difficult.

It so crazy what the difference a week makes. To go from going to the doctors for weird headaches to getting a brain biopsy to not even knowing what to call it anymore. Wow. And all of the changes in how I realize it's okay to cry and be scared and bored and tired of it (already).

I had to be okay with dying at first. But God has shared with me that will not be the case. But He said it'll be hard. I didn't know what hard would mean. I guess I still don't really know what hard will mean. It's really weird not knowing what the treatment is going to be. It's definitely a good thing - don't get me wrong. Just the fact that it wasn't immediately called cancer is great.

I appreciate your love and kindness. I'm not really up for visitors just yet. (Cuz when they come I just want to talk my head off and that's not so good yet.) Maybe in the next few days. But I don't know I may be going in again next week. Hard to say for sure.

Anyhow I am thankful for your love especially my family's love and support. I love you so much!

Home sweet home

We made it home finally. Susan is sleeping right now. The doctor told us that pathology doesn't know what the tumor is, so they sent the sample off to another location for further analysis. We will meet again with the doctor on Tuesday to discuss treatment options. So far it looks like another surgery to remove the mass and radiation therapy to keep it gone.

Update

The doctor said he will meet with us at lunch and discuss the current CT scan and the results of the biopsy. Susan is off pain meds and doing way better today. We should be released at about 12-1 today.

Joke

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "got any peanuts?"
The bartender says "no."

The comes in again the next day and asks "got any peanuts?"
The bartender says "no, you asked me that yesterday."

In comes the duck for the third day and asks "got any peanuts?"
Frustrated the bartender says "you ask me that again and I'll nail your feet to the table."

The duck comes in again says "got any nails?"
The bartender says "no."
The duck says "got any peanuts?"

Recovery

Susan is in recovery now and the medicine just kicked in. She's cute when all medicated. I spoke with the doctor and everything looks optimistic. Sorry no visitors though. She didn't think my other posts weren't funny so I'll be posting a joke.

Dr's comments

The biopsy is finished. The tumor was smaller than it looked on the MRI because it was surrounded in fluid that was drained during the biopsy. They are doing a second CT scan that should show just the tumor. This opens up the possibility for the complete removal of the tumor. We won't know what the tumor actually is untill the lab gets finished. The initial diagnoses of the tumor is that it has a low malignancy. Which is great.

In the Hospital

Right now Susan has gone into surgery. We arrived at 6 a.m. for an appointment at 9:30 which we had been originally told would be at 7:30. Needless to say every is already tired. Susan, myself and her parents are optimistic after meeting the anesthesiologist. She should be out in about an hour and a half.

Wow, my last post was so not positive

And it should have been. Things are going great! No seriously.

I made a few comments about the possibility of dying but I really really really don't think I'm going to die. I think I'll have some rough times with cancer stuff but I will survive. Not only will I survive but I'll get a SHAVED HEAD!!! So stinking cool.

So I just want all of my friends to know that I really love them and really appreciate all the love I've been getting.

My choir at work even recorded a song for me and posted it to facebook. How stinking cool is that?!

Tomorrow morning is my first surgery biopsy. Should be lots of fun. I'm not afraid at all. And not even really nervous to be honest with you. I just have a lot of faith and a lot of positivity.

This is probably my last post for a couple days. But Richard will attempt to post tomorrow.

Bad news bears

Well, I went to the neurosurgeon this morning. He's a cool dude. A cool old dude with spiky hair. He looked at the MRIs and showed us what he found. He's callilng it a brain tumor. He believes it's cancerous due to a bunch of stuff. The location makes it less than good to operate and get it all out. Bummer!

So this Wednesday we get to go in for a biopsy. I get to go way early and get to stay in the ICU Wednesday night. After the biopsy we will have a better idea of what we are facing and what we can do for it. He mentioned radiology and chemotherapy. If so, I totally get to shave my head. Whoopee!!! I know I'm a dork but if I get at least 1 cool thing from this - let it be a shaved head and some cool wigs!!

So I get another day and a half to wait. Sigh. But it's all good. No need to fear. The Lord knows whats going on!

I hate wait.....

That's totally a line from Princess Bride.

But I really do hate wait. Almost as much as I hate cold. But not quite as much as I hate cold.

So we have about 24 hours left before I get to see the neurosurgeon and hopefully find out a little more about what's going to happen. I'm praying that the surgery happens soon.

My ward and my family are fasting for me today. That really means a LOT to me. I hope that they pray for my doctor to get heavenly inspiration.

I'm worried about my husband. He actually doing really good all things considered. I just wish he had a guy BFF (because obviously I'm his girl BFF) to support him.

Richard I love you so much. Thank you for being such a wonderful eternal companion. Don't forget that everything is going to be okay and that we have no need to fear. I love that - no need to fear. Even though this is some scary stuff, Heavenly Father knows what's going on and He's ultimately in charge. (Please remember that so you don't get too stressed during the surgery.)

For my sisters - I'm not saying I'm going to die cuz I don't think I will. BUT if I do pass away I need you two to not lose faith. There is always a reason things happen. I need you two to have increased faith. Especially right now in this time of not knowing anything (except I have a brain mass).

For the rest of my family - please support Richard during surgery. He could really use it.

Okay I better stop or Richard will tell me that I'm starting to talk like I'm anticipating death (again). Sorry honey. I just have lots of super serious thoughts that I want to be sure to post. Love you!

Brain mass update

Okay so I went to the dr this morning and got a referral to get MRIs done and a referral for a neurosurgeon. I thought we'd be able to do both today but unfortunately I don't get to see the neurosurgeon until Monday. Sigh.

I got my MRIs done and even got the films to take to the dr on Monday. Have you ever gotten an MRI of your brain? It's pretty neat looking. This morning we were told 2 cm but if the big weird spot is it, it's bigger than that!! So crazy.

Anyway, I'm not so much going to work tomorrow but I'm planning on church on Sunday. I can't decide if I'm going to teach or not though. It's a very difficult decision.

So as far as everything goes, I'm not really much farther in knowledge than I was before. Sigh.

Brain mass

This is really hard to blog about. I've been getting really terrible headaches lately. Really really terrible. Yesterday I went to the doctor and explained it and he sent me to get a CAT scan. Well to make a long story short, I have a brain mass. We don't know all of what that means yet but we are pretty sure it means surgery today. I didn't actually talk to the doctor, he just talked to Richard. Richard and I spent a couple hours crying together last night. We went to YM/YW last night and at the end I told all of them about it. I asked them to pray for me.

I know that everything is going to be okay. I just don't know if that means that I'll be alive or not so much. I'm really worried about my sweet husband.

Things like this make you think about how you treat people and how much you love people. I probably won't have the chance to call everyone and let them know how much I love them. So here I am, letting you know. I have so much love for so many people. And I'm sorry I don't always tell you how much I love you.

I'll try to update everyone later on today. We are supposed to go to the dr at 9:30. I guess that should be comforting - they didn't have to do surgery last night. But I'll feel like I understand it better after the dr appt this morning.

I love you!!